My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
