cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
