im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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