I am in a vortex of obligation.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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