he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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