This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
