i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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