Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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