i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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