i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Is it because I queefed?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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