Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
