Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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