every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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