She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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