Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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