He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
