I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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