You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
