I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
