we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
