I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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