That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
