Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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