Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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