Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
