Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
