She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
