Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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