I'm laying in your front yard are you home
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They took my balls.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
