Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
