on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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