So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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