Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
