so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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