Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
