i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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