i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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