Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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