i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
