did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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