I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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