Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He passed out mid-signature
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
