By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she looked like the before picture.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
