2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
and she was petting her beer can
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
