you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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