I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
