why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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