When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
