Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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