I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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