Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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