I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
