between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
