when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Come on in and take your pants off
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