why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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