I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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