Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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