Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
