you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
